Officially tasked with studying the upper atmosphere, this “bionic forest” of antennae in remote Alaska has been fingered as a mind-control network, an alien-invasion defense system, and the source of both an electromagnetic pulse that destroyed the Space Shuttle Columbia in 2003 and whatever it was that caused all those mass animal deaths of the last decade. But mostly HAARP has been blamed for the weather, because HAARP controls the weather. Among the recent events chalked up to its power: Hurricane Gustav, which prevented George W. Bush from appearing live at the Republican National Convention, and Hurricane Katrina, staged to increase the cost of oil; the catastrophic earthquakes in New Zealand, China’s Sichuan province, Chile, Iran, Japan (“to distract [Americans] from the current economic malaise”), and Haiti (so the U.S. could occupy it, a “coup by earthquake”); recent American heat waves, so Obama could “push through the U.S. Congress a ‘global warming’ tax agenda”; Hurricane Sandy, to ensure his own reelection; and the two-mile-wide tornado in Oklahoma, to distract Americans from Benghazi. The recent typhoon in the Philippines must have been caused by something else, since the antennae have been turned off for a few months.